Just Once
by tailor31415
Summary: Merlin had to go back, just once. Because he couldn't leave Gwen wondering all her life what had happened to Arthur. *S5 Spoilers* *Spoilers for 513* (Mainly comfort between Gwen and Merlin)


A Coda to 513 - very unpolished and open ended but I just had to write something

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Merlin had to go back, just once.

Because they were all waiting – they had thought Merlin could find a way to save Arthur, just like he always did. Because he had seen as a child what happened to his mother when the days stretched by and his father sent no word, not even that he would never come home.

He couldn't let that happen to Gwen, to Camelot. Couldn't let them live with the foolish hope of Arthur someday riding up, safe and well, and that all would be as it was.

Nothing would ever be the same for any of them.

So, after sitting by the lake all night, staring out at the water as if he could catch a glimpse of the man who had just taken away all of his dreams and desires in one stroke, and thought to himself that he could sit there forever.

Just waiting.

But he had to go back – for Gwen, for the knights Arthur had called brothers, for Gaius.

So, when dawn came, he staggered away from the lake.

It took him days and days to return, half-senseless and dumb to the world as he was. Some mornings he woke and just had to run. To get away from himself – to try to outrun this person who had failed Arthur when the moment was most dire. Some nights he sat up and stared at the glowing embers of the fire, ignoring the tears that ran down his face. Some days he could barely pull himself up off the ground to walk again, to move forward again, to live again. Because he had died at that lake in the same moment Arthur had.

But he did walk, he did move, he did live and breathe, and eventually the oh-so-familiar gates of Camelot were before him and he was stumbling through to the main courtyard. He saw how the castle folk were staring at him, how all motion ceased in the courtyard at the return of the missing-King's manservant, but he kept trodding towards the castle doors. Because he was only coming back for Gwen.

They slammed open before he reached the foot of the stairs and Gwen came racing down, Leon and Percival following at her heels. And…where was Gwaine? he wondered vaguely as he stopped at the bottom stair and stared up at the Queen of Camelot.

She rushed towards him, hands outstretched, and asked eagerly, "Arthur?"

All at once, Merlin's throat tightened and there must have been something of his despair on his face because Gwen stopped glancing over his shoulder for a glimpse of Arthur as she had seen him last and her hands, which finally came to rest on his shoulders, squeezed tightly.

"Oh, Merlin," she said softly, heartbreak clear in her tone.

Merlin opened his mouth to speak and found he could force no words out. He swallowed and then swallowed again, the rough dryness of his throat finding no relief, and Leon's arm somehow found its way around his shoulders and Gwen was turning, one of Merlin's hands clasped in hers, and she was pulling him up the stairs and Merlin…

Merlin could barely see for the tears that were filling his eyes. He scarcely would have made it up the stairs without the support of Leon and Gwen and he found them leading him to Arthur's…to the Queen's chambers as he struggled to hold back the sobs that were choking him.

He shut his eyes and let them guide him along, not caring if he was stumbling. This was his life now - he would forever be stumbling without Arthur. When he opened his eyes again, he was seated before a fire, a blanket over his shoulders, and Gwen was seated next to him. He glanced over his shoulder – they were alone in the chambers and the door was firmly shut.

Swallowing again, Merlin turned to Gwen, patient, kind Gwen who was clearly prepared to wait as long as he needed. But Arthur had been hers more than he had been Merlin's and it was his duty now to tell her his fate.

Tears welled over his eyes as he croaked out, "Arthur's gone…Gwen…he's gone…and…"

She was biting her lip now, eyes fixed on him, and he could see her hands clenching tight in the fabric of her skirt. And he couldn't bear that, so he reached out a shaking hand and she grasped it up and he started again. "But…he…he died…at peace," he softly, "He died with…with no fear in his eyes." His voice broke and cracked and he could barely force himself to say it but she needed it, he had to tell her, because…because… "He was ready, he was so ready, Gwen, and I…." He rubbed at the tears in his eyes and she was squeezing his hand to the point that it hurt, but he squeezed back all the same and met her gaze again, "When he was….when it happened….he wasn't alone….he wasn't alone, Gwen." She nodded at him, tears sliding down her own cheeks, and guilt ran through him again, because she was suffering because he had failed, she was feeling the same sorrow he did because he hadn't been good enough. Merlin sobbed once and said, "He died with someone who loved him, so he wasn't alone."

Gwen didn't say anything, dear, sweet Gwen, but she just nodded, and then leaned in, pulling him close, and they clung to each other in their grief. One of her hands ended up in his hair and her fingers brushed back and forth as they clung to each other and suddenly he remembered Arthur's hand running through his hair and he flinched. Gwen hushed him, pulling him closer, and she said softly in his ear, "Thank you."

His heart broke again, shattered and broke into so many pieces he knew it would never be whole again. "It should have been you," he forced out between sobs, "There are the end."

She shushed him again, other hand stroking down his back, "No, Merlin. It was right for it to have been you." Gwen pulled back slightly, then pressed their foreheads together, "I am glad it was you."

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Disclaimer: None of Merlin's plot/characters/etc belong to me.

Hope you enjoyed! Thanks for reading/reviewing :)


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